Change – the thing many of us crave but run far, far away from when faced with it.
“I want a new job.”
“I always wanted to try yoga.”
“I wish I could afford to travel.”
And then one day it happens:
-You get a new job offer.
-Your friend invites you to a yoga class that she goes to every week.
-You finally have enough money saved in your bank account to fly to the country of your dreams!
Opportunity knocks, and you would think it would make you happy, but instead you are terrified.
“Well what if I hate this new job?”
“What if I look like a fool in yoga?”
“I can’t go on vacation, God forbid I need this money for an emergency down the road. It’s too scary to travel right now anyway.”
We long for change! We pray for it! We beg for it! We curse the skies and ask God why things aren’t changing. Then one day, we see an opportunity on the horizon, and instead of embracing it, most of us are like “Nope, no thanks. Not today.” Personally, I have struggled with change my whole life, especially lately.
Last week, I resigned from my position with the police department. If you didn’t already know this, I have spent the last two and a half years as a counselor for a local police department. The fact that I will no longer be an employee there after this Friday is something I still cannot wrap my brain around.
When I first started this job in 2018, I was ecstatic. I thought I had the rest of my life figured out. I told myself I’d have a secure job, a pension, vacation and sick time, holidays off, etc. Prior to this position falling into my lap, I had always wanted to go into private practice. But when I started this job, I put those dreams on the back burner for the promise of a guaranteed salary, benefits, a pension, and the opportunity to help others in a very unique way – most police departments do not have a full-time counselor on board.
But one day last summer, I left work realizing something was missing in my career. I wanted the opportunity to work long-term with kids and adults who have endured trauma, something I was unable to do given the short-term counseling I was limited to providing through the police department. The majority of my job included helping others only with surface-level problems, teaching them healthy coping skills, and then referring them to someone else to dive deeper into their trauma.
I longed to walk with people on their journey to recovery instead of referring them to someone else. I knew that I could help people so much more outside of the confines of short-term stabilization counseling. So last summer, I opened my own private practice as a trauma therapist. The intention was for me to do this part-time while maintaining my job at the police department. My practice opened in August of 2019. I started out renting a small office from a very kind woman until my practice became big enough to be able to afford my own office, which took about two months.
In October, I moved into my own office. From there, it took about 6 more months for my practice to grow into a full-time job. I was so torn because I loved both of my jobs. Working with the police allowed me to form relationships with law enforcement officers, school district employees, multiple victim service organizations, among many others who dedicate their lives to helping and serving others. I’ve had the opportunity to deliver food to the homeless, to console people in their grief after a traumatic loss, to offer a safe space for kids who are living in neglectful and abusive environments, and so much more.
I could write a book alone on what it is like to be the only therapist working with law enforcement officers on a regular basis. I met some amazing men and women who work tirelessly, putting their lives on the line for others, sacrificing time with their own families so that others may be protected. My friends in law enforcement have challenged me and opened my eyes to what their lives are really like and why they think the way that they do. I’d like to think that I helped do the same for some of them when it comes to mental health. After all, being the only therapist in a room full of police officers helped me to find my voice and develop confidence in who I am and what I do.
But as time went on and I continued to work in the police department, major changes started happening – a combination of changes in myself and changes in the department. Out of the respect that I have (and will always have) for most of those that I worked with, I won’t go into those changes. I’ll simply say that in my gut, I knew it was time for me to move on.
Yet, I struggled. “What if I quit and they hate me? What if I quit and my private practice doesn’t continue to flourish? What if I can’t make it as a trauma therapist? How can I give up guaranteed income for a job where, if I don’t work, I don’t get paid? And most importantly, what will happen to the people who might need my help through the police department in the future?”
But you can’t pour from an empty cup, right? What good would any of those things be if I wasn’t truly happy with my job? And the truth is, the more that time went on the more I felt I belonged in private practice. So as scared as I was, I honored my instincts, and I resigned. I cried after I sent in my letter of resignation; and after my last day this Friday, I will surely cry some more. Change is horrifying, but as scared as I may be, I know I did the right thing. I mourn the loss of what could have been if I stayed, because I know I had so much potential to thrive in that position. I truly valued the work I did at the police department and the wonderful people I met. But I know those relationships will live on whether I work at the police department or not.
Change is happening at a pace so rapidly and so unexpectedly that I can barely keep up. My husband starts his dream job on Monday; and on Friday, I will say goodbye to a job I thought I would stay at forever – and that’s just scratching the surface of the changes that have been occurring in 2020!
I’m terrified, but I’m moving forward. I’m shocked at myself, but I’m proud. I’m nervous, but I am SO EXCITED for what’s to come.
In the words of the famous singer/songwriter Nina Simone:
“It’s a new dawn,
It’s a new day,
It’s a new life for me,
And I’m feeling good.“